This past week was hell, and I can honestly say that I have never felt so terrified in my whole life. We were in the ICU for over a week. Christian's heart rate was in the 140's and higher, and his tumor had started to put pressure on his heart. He was constantly running a temperature, and things were starting to look pretty bad. We had a scare on Tuesday night because the machine was reading Christian's heart rate at 100, then 200, within seconds of each other. It kept going back and forth for a little while, and then the Doctor told us that it was a sign that he was going to die soon. Instantly I felt so panicked that I thought I might have a heart attack, and I felt like I was going to be sick. I started crying and trying to prepare myself for what was about to happen, when a nurse came in and said that the machine was malfunctioning. They fixed it, and his heart rate was actually down to 100 BPM. He has been "stable" since then....slowly getting a little better. So for now, here we are. We were moved back to level six, the Oncology floor.
With all this being said, I really thought that this would be my last week with Christian, and for once, I am extremely happy to be wrong. A few days ago, I did something that I don't do a lot, I prayed to God...I asked Him to spare Christian's life, and I also asked Him if He could not save my Son, to please, please, let him have one more good day, one more day where he could just be himself. Although I thought my plea for help was hopeless, my prayers were answered. Christian is still by my side, fighting to get better, playing with his trains like he used to, and actually staying awake for more than just a minute here and there. I can't stop smiling when his face lights up from watching his favorite movies. It's the little things that matter most. Even though his cancer is still there, I can see him getting a little better each day. All I can say right now is, "Thank You God!"
You might be wondering now why I don't pray a lot, if I believe in God, and with all that my Son is going through, all I should be doing, is praying. It hasn't been so easy for me, though. I've always believed in God, but over the past few years, I started to lose my way. I am probably the most stubborn person in the world, and it sounds childish, but I am so stubborn, that I had to be going through the weakest point of my life for me to ask for help. I'm like that with everybody, but it shouldn't be that way. I'm trying to be a person who's not ashamed to ask for help. It's hard, but I'm trying my best.
Although this week started out as the worst week of my life, it ended up being the best one instead. Seeing my Son, despite everything, improving a little every day, gives me hope, and strength. If he can do it, so can I.
Matthew 7:7 - Ask, and it shall be given you; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you:
