Lately, thinking of you is torture. Not just because you're not here, but because when I remember you, I remember how much you suffered. It almost hurts more than the fact that you died. I am scared that you felt pain, or that you were scared. I don't know how to describe the feeling, other than telling you that it makes me feel like I'm dying on the inside. My heart is broken for you, and to add to the hurt, I'm torturing myself more by watching Now is Good, again. It helps me to feel the pain that I try to hold inside all the time, and it breaks my heart over and over again.
I wish my memories of you were happy ones, but instead, I remember how pale your skin turned, and how you almost looked like you could be sleeping. I remember holding you, and your arm falling behind my back. I remember the coolness of your hand, and how I held it in a way that would make me feel like you were holding it back too. Now all I have left are little moments that I'll never get back.
I'm finding it harder and harder to remember how happy you always were, even though you spent most of your life happy, even when you had no reason to be.
I just want this pain to go away. How am I supposed to live the rest of my life without my son? Why is life so cruel, giving me something so special, and then taking it away from me? I just don't get it...I need something in my life to make sense!
The more I try to understand life, and why this happened, the more I don't understand it. People try to make themselves feel better by believing that everything happens for a reason, but it's just not true. There is no reason for an innocent child to suffer, and die. Trying to come up with a reason for all the terrible things that happen in life is crap. Terrible things just happen. And we just have to live with it.
