Reality hits, and you're gone again.

It's been just over a month since you died, yet it feels like it's been a year.  Every morning, for just a moment when I wake up, I think you might be waiting for me down stairs on your bed, and then reality hits, and you're gone again.  I feel like I'm living in an alternate universe where I have to tell myself everyday that you really did exist, because now that life feels so far away.  I try to keep myself busy everyday so I won't be sad, but the sadness still finds a way to creep back into my heart.  The worst part is reliving that horrible day when you died, over and over, again.  I remember every moment of your breath slowing down until you just couldn't breathe anymore, and it makes me so, so, sad for you.  You had to go through so much pain and suffering, and it kills me.  I wish I could have taken all those moments away from you.  Even through the toughest times, you were brave and had a smile on your face.

It makes me so angry, because there was never a cure for you.  You never had a chance, you only had time.  We went back to the clinic the other day, the doctors read us your autopsy.  The tumor had grown very large, and wrapped itself around your heart, leaving you with just a small piece of your right lung left to breathe from.   They said that the tumor showed that all of the chemo you received while we've been in Boston, did nothing.  Your tumor did not shrink at all, it may have given you just a little bit more time, but it never shrunk.  

It's hard to think that this is how the rest of our life will be.  I'm scared for us, and I'm scared for you.  I just wish I knew that you were okay.  I wish I could tell you how much I love you, and miss you.  Your sister misses you too, she says your name now.  She'll point to a picture of you on the wall and say, "Ti-tin."  I'm scared for the day when she'll ask me about you.  How do I tell her that you died?  It's hard enough when I'm around strangers and they ask me about my kids.  How do I say that it's just one kid now?  I really don't know the answers to anything anymore, life doesn't really make sense.  I'm just trying to do my best to go through each day until we meet again.  We all love you so very much, Christian.  You will be in our hearts and on our mind, always...

"Did you know that childhood cancer kills more children than any other disease in America?  Yet the National Cancer Institute spends less than 4% of its annual $5 billion budget on pediatric cancer research. We believe that our elected leaders have an obligation to protect our most vulnerable citizens by making childhood cancer research a national priority."- The Truth 365

Below I have linked a petition to urge the President and Congress to make Children's Cancer Research a PRIORITY!  Please take a few moments to sign, and if you can, please donate, every little bit helps!

http://www.thetruth365.org/petition/
http://www.thetruth365.org/one-voice/donate/
http://www.childrenscancer.org/main/ways_to_donate/