Nothing feels real anymore...

It's hard to believe that a year has gone by without you in it.  A whole year, and it feels as if the world and everyone in it is moving around you but you stand still, time stands still, and yet it goes on, and when you finally move again, you're not sure how long it has been.  You only know that nothing feels real anymore.  It's easy now to pretend like everything's okay even when I know that I feel empty inside.  But I have to keep going so I do what I can.  It seems like the more time goes on, the less I can remember, and all I have left of you are pictures....the same old pictures, and one sits very clearly in my mind.....the last picture of ever took of you.  The one from the day you died.  I see that face when I see you.  

For three years you fought cancer, and almost all of it you fought with a smile, until the last three months, which were the toughest.  And when I try to think of you before that, it's hard to remember you ever being happy, even though I know in my heart you were.  I try to comprehend the fact that this is my life now, but I can't.  I don't think time will really make a difference, just cause a deeper sorrow in my heart.  I just can't believe that I had a child that would be six years old this year and he's not here with me anymore.  I would gladly take your place if I could...

Just know I'm here, thinking of you, til the day we meet again, Buddy, love you...