Life doesn't choose favorites.

  

                                   

I just held my son down while he got a feeding tube forced through his nose and down his throat.  The nurse asked me if I wanted to leave the room.  I don't understand how a parent could leave their child when they needed them most.  I'm not squeamish, but it wouldn't matter anyways.  The last thing any child needs, sick or not, is for their parents to leave them when they are scared.  This is the first time Christian has needed an NG Tube.  He's only eaten half a hot pocket in a week so it's the best option to keep him "healthy." The chemo will make food taste metallic, so he probably won't like a lot of his favorite foods now. He kept screaming after, and even tried pulling it out, but he seems a little more at peace now.  He didn't like me very much for a few minutes, but then he motioned for me to lay next to him, and he took my hand.  It's hard to look at him like this, and even harder to imagine how he feels right now, but it makes it worth it when I feel his side where his tumor started sticking out and can already notice a difference in size.  It gives me a little hope...although that probably makes me foolish.   I was told that Christian's chance of cure is one percent, and it's only one percent because the doctor didn't want to give up hope that something might work.  I will not give up yet, he's not.  I still can't believe that I created this beautiful little soul, and that he's going to be taken away from me.  This isn't the life a parent wants for their child, or themselves.  You think that nothing bad will ever happen to you until it does.  Life doesn't choose favorites.  It's been a hard road to travel, but I wouldn't go back and change anything.  He's my miracle....I hope he knows that.